Post by Colonel Edmund J. Burke
Few days ago, whilst standing nakkid in front of my shithouse mirror, I plucked out a hair that was there.
And now it's a tad sore there.
Any questions about this?
Yes, Colonel, why do bring this minor
incident to our attention?
Did you know that some people have
the staph bacteria growing naturally
in their nasal passages. It does no
harm until and unless it can get into
the blood stream where it can cause
a MRSA (Methacyllin Resistant
Staphoccous Aurelia) outbreak which
can be fatal.
Recently, when I was admitted into
the trauma care unit at the hospital
they swabbed my nostrils. I asked
them what that was for and they
said they were checking for staph
bacteria so as to keep it out of the
hospital. They said if any were found
they would put some kind of gel up my
nose to eliminate it.
Well, they didn't have to gel my nose
because the test was negative.
Anyhow, I digress. MRSA is only a
concern if it gets directly into the
blood stream. So, make sure if you
pluck nasal hairs that they don't bleed.
If they bleed, you could be in a whole
heap-o-shit, Dough Boy!
So, don't pluck - trim. And trim your
fingernails if you pick your nose. No
bleeding is an absolute necessity. I
pick my nose every day. Actually, I
pick it and eat it. That is probably
the reason I came up staph-negative.
My eating boogers that contained
staph probably prompted my enhanced
immune system to make antibodies that
eradicated the bacterium.
Either that or perhaps the three weeks
of daily shots at the secret testing
grounds for bio and chemical weapons
out there in Utah when I was in the
Army made me pretty much immune to
everything natural and man-made?
Hell, I got bitten by a black widow
spider the other day and all that
happened was a little mosquito bite
looking bump with some itching and it
went away the very next day. About a
month ago, I got bitten on the ankle
by a rattlesnake and all I got was a
little numbness around the bite for a
day or so and then it went away. I
also got bitten by several ticks last
year and they all died and dropped off.
Never got no stinking Lyme disease.
Last year I was swimming down in
the Keys and got stung by a Man o'
War jellyfish. All it did was tickle a
little bit. Another time a small shark
attacked my foot and, aside from
copious bleeding for a few minutes,
nothing but a few small scars remained
the next day and the poor shark
immediately turned belly-up and died.
They told me at the Proving Grounds
that no chemical, biological (or radiological)
weapon would likely harm me. Seems they
were understating the real world results.
I even recently incurred (can't really say
*suffered*) two fractured vertebrae and
a fractured ulna and scapula in a high-
speed bicycle wreck and here I am a
month later - up and at it as if nothing
happened at all.
Yesterday, a huge black bear charged
me when I got between her and her two
cubs down by the spring-fed stream
where I have my campsite. She reared
up and planned to claw, bite and maul
me but then she sniffed, snorted, yelped,
and high-tailed it outta there with cubs
I make fun of Checky and Skeet for
their drug addictions because it's easy
for me to talk. Fact of the matter is
it appears there is nothing I can be
addicted to. All those Army shots made
me immune to EVERYTHING - including
any and all addictions. My body just
neutralizes all foreign substances. Hell,
I'm over seventy years now and I only
look to be in my fifties. (No lame
*batwing* comments, please!)
My stiffy is as stiff as it ever was.
The girls all still swoon. The bicycle
competition is still in awe. Lance
Armstrong sent me a get-well card
and asked me to take it easy on him
the next time he rode up the watershed
which is around 2,500 feet of climbing
from Hotel Domestique in South Carolina
(George Hincappie's place - George was
Lance's domestique during the Team
Postal aka *the Big Blue Train* days)
to Saluda, North Carolina.
I'm THAT bad! Hell, I might even be
immortal. The VA requested a sample
of my DNA about five years ago. They
said it was part of a study called the
Million Vet March to see what bearing
genes have on various maladies. Wouldn't
surprise me if my DNA is being used to
create an almost indestructible *super
soldier* who would laugh at the enemy's
biological, chemical and radiological
weapons (blast radius excepted) as well
as shrugging off bullet and bayonet
wounds and other physical trauma such
as broken bones.
"Tsk, tsk. No one appreciates his brilliance, poor fellow.
(There might be a message in that for him.)"--Rhonda Lea Kirk Fries